Editor’s Note: Ally wrote this long before the Sweet Briar debacle began, but it does present a unique solution to the current problem.
Hot damn. I just solved any and all of my “ewww” guy, and “stalker guy” problems using ONLY PHILOSOPHY. Wow, I told ya’ll I was brilliant, did I not? I must thank Anne for igniting my brain so well on this topic. Even if I never spell correctly, I know two things:
1. I can always use spell check or just say it broke
2. I can always save myself from others using philosophy
I am sure you are wondering (yeah, right) how this can be. It’s simple: I can simply prove whomever I don’t like does not exist.
Take, for example, my dear sister in law, Anne’s arch nemesis, Michael Farley. She wants him to disappear. Not a problem. Here we go.
I don’t believe in him, and if we ALL don’t believe in him, maybe he’ll disappear. This requires we MAY have to make sure little kids don’t say “I believe in Michael Farley” or “clap their hands for Tinkerbell” and shit, or we’ll have a whole mess of Michael Farleys. This is to say NOTHING of “every time a bell rings Michael Farley gets his wings” (buffalo wings, I suspect in this case)
On the other hand, as the French philosopher Descartes put it, “I think therefore I am”. Well, since we are not thinking of Mr. Farley, maybe he’s gone on the grounds that “we don’t think of him therefore he is not”? This process is called “un-thinking” people.
As I see it, we can “un-think” Michael Farley, his house, his dog, his cat, his cat litter box (I would un-think that right away, actually), his mom, dad, siblings, his sock puppets, that gummy stuff that collects around his toothbrush, his favorite elementary school teacher–anyone you want, just as…Wait. We have to stop thinking of him now. Wait. I never met Michael Farley. WHO THE HELL IS MICHEAL FARLEY???